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DISCUSSCamouflaged Fundamentalist Commandos Assault Apartment of Eugene Peterson to Stop All Future Editions of 'The Message'
04/07/2008By William Mcpherson
Illustration by Kevin Atherton
Eugene H. Peterson has reached millions of young adults throughout the world with his unique Bible paraphrase, The Message. Since its inception in the early '90s, Peterson's Message has drawn strong praise and criticism from both sides of the religious aisle for its informal tone and dynamic approach.
Peterson himself, due to the many violent threats he's received from various Formal Equivalence and KJV-only para-church groups, until recently has kept himself totally isolated from the outside world within the soundproof walls of his San Francisco dwelling place, penning and re-penning his ever expanding Message Texts.
Word was just released last Tuesday through the religious press that Peterson has at last finished with his forthcoming Magnum Message Remix and plans on releasing it worldwide as soon as his grammatical and ecumenical assistants finish proofreading it to assure ultimate accuracy and heart-piercing power.
However, as reported in an exclusive expose in Christian Century, a determined group of young fundamentalist zealots plotted to sabotage Peterson's new Magnum Remix by any means necessary.
However, just before midnight on July 1, San Francisco police reported that a group of renegade Unified Unilateral Pre-Tribulation Trinitarian Fundamentalists stormed Peterson's loft apartment to put an end to both The Message and The Messenger for good. Sketchy eye witness reports indicate that the break-in began when the six camo-fitted fundies scaled an unguarded side fire escape to gain access to Peterson's fourth story research room window.
When they first surveyed the room, the assailants apparently found Peterson at his desk frantically scribbling, erasing, and highlighting several passages in Galatians, and reading aloud to himself the words of the new Magnified Message.
However, when Peterson began to expound his new Magnum Message, unbeknownst to him, three of the six intruders spontaneously combusted into flames and plummeted out of the window to their immediate demise. Two more still were turned into giant pillars of Sweet and Low� sugar additives and disintegrated on the spot.
In an exclusive interview before his sentencing, Harvey M. Berry, age unknown, the sole surviving young fundie, recalled his final moments during the break-in.
"After he began noticing the racket around him, Peterson pulled out his leather bound Magnum Message and stood over me in the window loft," Berry told The Door News Service. Berry's last memory, before blacking out was Peterson staring him dead in the eye.
"I know what you're thinking, punk," Peterson is alleged to have snarled. "Did he re-interpret six verses or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, I've kind of lost track myself in all this excitement. But seeing as this is the Magnum Message Remix Model .2944x, the most powerful paraphrase on the planet, and it will blow your fundamentalist head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question. 'Do I feel lucky?…' Well, do ya punk!?!"
Berry, for his part, remains unrepentant for his assault. "Someone had to protect the people from this mad man before he further distorts the real Message," Berry said. "At first it was just a harmless paraphrase, but then came the concordance, the guidebook, endless remixes, and now this … something had to be done."
Peterson dismissed the claims of the Unified Unilateral Pre-Tribulation Trinitarian Fundamentalists.
"Opinions are like bellybuttons," Peterson said in a prepared press release. "Everybody's got em'. People just happen to pay me for mine."
Yet,another attack of the Fundys. Anyone that deviates from their distorted demagoguery is immediately damned. They cursed the Charasmatics and will continue their crusade of curtailing any move of the Holy Spirit they can. They continue to protect us from our Heavenly Father so we can rest in the hands of the handlers of men.
I knew Dr. P was really a super hero, and here is proof!
BrendalovesEugene, if he is, it's a great disguise! It's hard to tell who'd win in a steel-cage match between he and Brennan Manning.
Brennan Manning is the man. Ive met him a couple of times over the last two years and he's such a cool old guy.
You can worship all the icons and Mary with him if you like, is that part of what makes him "The Man"? The offering of substitutes to THE MAN! The Messiah
Ive read pretty much every one of his books, listened to him speak about about 10 times and had dinner with him in October. I have never gotten that impression from him. In my experience I have seen a passion in his preaching and writings to restore intimacy with God. But whatever, we each have our own opinions. Ive just come to respect the man a lot from what I have seen, and I don't see him as a proponent of idolatrous substitutes as you claim. But I don't expect that any of this will change your opinion of the man. Oh well
hmmmmmmmmmm.... Eugene would concede the fight because he wouldn't care. He is totally not impressed by anyone. This is the man when told that Bono was quoting him at concerts asked who Bono was. I actually think Bono would fight for Eugene, but I think Brennan Manning would kick Bono's ass. But what do I care, I also love Brennan and Bono.
Bono is number 2.
Eugene should just change his name to "E. Giddy, Master Mixter of the ReRap Remixx" and giddit over with.
Is there any truth to the rumor that someone has taken on the monumental task of paraphrasing The Message in archaic Jacobean English?
"...three of the six intruders spontaneously combusted into flames and plummeted out of the window to their immediate demise. Two more still were turned into giant pillars of Sweet and Low� sugar additives and disintegrated on the spot."
Hillarious! It's like something out of a cartoon. Thanks for a good laugh on a Friday morning.
Aw yes. Spontaneous Human Combustion now that's a sight for sore eyes and will ruin anyone's day. I wonder if the intruders got 'The Message'?
Have also your say at www.thefaithdebate.com. Share with us your opinions about this and many other topics!
Although the message is a little sachrine, it is possible that God
only listens to prayers that start with Thou or Thee.
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