By Todd Outcalt

Since the Clinton administration, the military has been under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with regard to gays. But the military has nothing on religion. Don't believe us? Take a look at these "don't ask, don't tell policies" that came to define the spiritual life long before Ted Haggard.

Don't ask: Are you a pro-family Republican with solid values like Newt Gingrich?
Don't tell: How many extra-marital affairs you have had while investigating the infidelity of others.

Don't ask: Have you read The DaVinci Code?
Don't tell: That you think the Left Behind series is a bunch of bunk.

Don't ask: How many seed gifts have you sent to PTL this year?
Don't tell: How much you give to your local church.

Don't ask: Have you been saved by the blood of the lamb?
Don't tell: How much violence and bloodshed you've supported through your vote.

Don't ask: Have you read Joel Osteen's book?
Don't tell: That you've read Joel Osteen's book.

Don't ask: Have you considered going to the Benny Hinn crusade for that arthritis?
Don't tell: That a hot-toddy cured your flu after you read Kevin Trudeau's book.

Don't ask: Are looks important to you?
Don't tell: That you think Joel Osteen's wife is hot.

Don't ask: Do you think Jan Crouch's hair is real?
Don't tell: That you have a wig just like it in your closet.

Don't ask: Have you read your Bible today?
Don't tell: That you haven't read the Bible since 1966.

Don't ask: Would you like to pray about that?
Don't tell: That you only know "Now I lay me down to sleep ... "

Don't ask: What do you think of the war in Iraq?
Don't tell: What you think of the war in Iraq.

Don't ask: Could I interest you in a subscription to The Watchtower?
Don't tell: That you hate knocking on doors.

Don't ask: What's love got to do with it?
Don't tell: That you believe love has nothing to do with it.

Don't ask: Do you watch The 700 Club?
Don't tell: That you watch The Daily Show.

Don't ask: Have you made your peace with Jesus?
Don't tell: That you don't believe in peace.

Don't ask: Do you think Ted Haggard can go straight?
Don't tell: That you once did ecstasy with Ted Haggard in the church parking lot.

Don't ask: Who are the top ten preachers in the English-speaking world?
Don't tell: That you are the best preacher in the English-speaking world.

Don't ask: Have you heard the latest news about Brittany Spears?
Don't tell: That you read The Wittenburg Door to get the news.